


October 2003

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [3]
Category: Smallville
Genre: M/M, Wordcount: 10.000-30.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-11
Updated: 2012-12-11
Packaged: 2017-11-20 20:44:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/589450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And then...they kissed.<br/>Clark discovers he's the jealous type.</p>
            </blockquote>





	October 2003

01 October @ 01:08 am

I just woke up from a dream.

We're at the mansion playing a game of pool, and Lex says 'it's kind of hot in here.' He unbuttons his shirt and lets it hang open. I can't help but stare at his bare chest. It's so nice, smooth, and pale. He notices me staring and sits me down on the leather sofa. Then he holds my hand and tells me I can touch if I want to.

So I did. He's really soft. I've already touched his lips from when I saved his life, and the kiss so I know how they feel.

I lean in and kiss him again only this time he grabs me and pushes me back so he's on top of me. 

That's when I woke up with wetness everywhere. It's embarrassing. I usually don't have those kinds of dreams. Most of the time once I've taken care of it, I'm good for the rest of the night. I'm still excited.

@ 01:39 pm

The big night

Chloe and Pete teased me relentlessly at school. They even figured out that the date with Lana was Lex's doing. I guess it's because we've been spending so much time together.

Sean tried to ask Chloe out again, but before she could even say a word he took off. The guy is such a jerk. I wish she wouldn't bother with him. It's not like she isn't pretty. I think she could easily get a guy.

She promised to come over today after school to help me decide what to wear on my non-date. Apparently when I'm out with Lana my parents will be over at Lex's place talking about money. I hope my dad gives Lex a chance.

@ 10:34 pm

The date was a total bust. I was so nervous I resorted to card tricks. She didn't seem all that excited to be there. She even turned on the TV in the limo. Which was kind of a plus since the news was on.

Chloe made a - what did she call it - 'fact finding mission to see if he's worthy of a date.' with Sean. If Lana hadn't turned on the TV I would never have seen the story on the news about Sean's ex girlfriend being killed. 

I dropped Lana off at the coffee house, and promised to be right back. I couldn't let Chloe meet up with Sean. 

I was right to be worried. After I saved Chloe, I took her home. 

I guess things between Lana and me weren't meant to work out. At least Chloe's okay. I was so relieved I made it to her in time.

After that, I had to go see if I could salvage the non-date. I couldn't. Lana was gone, which actually didn't bother me that much. What really bothered me was the fact that Sean went after everybody I care about. He even tried to kill me.

It's over now. Lana is home with Whitney - she sprained her ankle. My mom and dad are asleep. Sean never got near the castle. He tried to attack it. There was no way I was going to let him near all the people that I care about especially while Lex was entertaining my parents.

I think I'm going to go see if Lex is okay.

 

02 October @ 11:17 pm

Interesting night

Where to start.

I went to the mansion last night. So much happened. It was a great end to a horrible day. Lex was happy to see me. We sat and watched TV for a while. I was too tired to talk. All I can say is. Wow. He was only wearing pajama bottoms, and when I arrived he didn't cover up or anything. He looked so hot. I lay my head down on the sofa, and pretended to fall asleep. He touched my hair. Actually, he stroked it. It was really nice.

I was exited to say the least. So was he, I think. Then he offered me a bed. Not his unfortunately.

I asked him to stay until I fell asleep. After everything that had happened, I just didn't want to be alone. He agreed to stay. It was really nice to have him there. I felt safe, which was kind of weird since I am so strong. He smells so nice. Not like me. I smell kind of funky.

We fell asleep in the same bed! I was so content and so happy. When I woke up a few hours later, I was pressed up against him, living one of my fantasies. He was so warm and soft. He wasn't wearing a shirt. His skin is so smooth; like silk. I wanted to stay close to him, but I was afraid of what he would think.

After that talk, and how he helped me get the date with Lana, I'm just not sure. I'm more confused than ever. 

He went back to his own room once he woke up, which sucked - and not in a good way. I wanted him to stay, but how was I supposed to ask that. I'd already faked sleep to get him closer.

I couldn't think of any way to keep his close so I just fell asleep.

The next morning was great. I felt so good. I took a shower in the nicest bathroom ever. When I went back to the room, I went through the wrong door, and ended up in Lex's bedroom. That was embarrassing. He was already dressed, and I was in my towel, dripping water all over his floor. He was cool about it, though. I had to borrow socks and boxer from him. I'm still wearing the boxers. I think I might keep them. Maybe he won't remember.

So, I went back to the room and got dressed after embarrassing myself, and went down to have some breakfast. Lex drove me to school (first we stopped off at the farm, and picked up my book bag) 

I caught Lex staring at me. I know he watches me. I really like that. It kind of makes me feel special. Last night when he went back to his room, I'm pretty sure he did the same thing I did.

I feel kind of sexy right now. Lex does that to me. I've never felt that way with anybody before. Not even Lana.

My mom and dad are pretty mad. Mom sent me straight to my room after school. I can hear them arguing now. Dad is kind of freaking out. I hope they don't make me stop seeing Lex.

I have to go now. All this writing about Lex has made me kind of excited. I have to admit. I feel really comfortable writing all this here. It gets easier every time to admit to myself how I feel.

Oh and before I forget, I made Lex blush. You might think this is not something of note, but that's because you don't know him. He never blushes. Until today that is. His head turned bright red. I wonder what would have happened if I'd said what I really wanted to say. I guess I'll never know. I called him adorable too. I was so embarrassed. I do that a lot; embarrass myself. I'm pretty good at it actually.

I can't help it though; he really is kind of adorable. He wonderfully exotic, that's what I should have called him, exotic. I'm sure he'd like that better than being called adorable.

I have to go. Mom and Dad are about to 'lay the hurt on.' as Pete would say. I guess I'll be grounded again. 

Oh, and it was the nicest drive to school ever. I wonder if he'd let me drive his car now.

 

03 October @ 03:43 pm

We had the memorial service for Jenna today. It hit pretty hard since all I could think was it could have been Chloe. It was a horrible way to die, and a part of me feels like it's my fault. If only I'd been able to save her.

My mom and dad had a really long talk with me today about responsibility and stuff. They were mad about the other night. I guess I should have told them where I was going. When I asked my mom if it was because it was Lex, dad said yes and mom said no. She just wants me to let her know where I will be just in case. They know I can take care of myself, but I guess they still worry.

So I have to come home right after class for the next week, unless something comes up, and I have to do extra chores. I'm supposed to start some community service work next week but I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do. Mom said that was fine.

Dad however is really quiet. He acted fine when I asked if I could spend the night over at the castle. I pointed out that I was asking, and that I could do my chores tomorrow in the afternoon. They said they'd think about it.

I asked Lana why she goes out with her boyfriend. I was just curious. He's done things that aren't so nice. She told me he makes her feel safe. The irony is not lost. I mean I've already saved her so many times. Some of them she doesn't even know about. I guess I can't be the guy that makes her feel safe. I know I can't be there whenever she needs me. I tend to run off on her. So far I'm 0 for however many times I made her a promise and didn't manage to keep it.

I can live with that. I feel alone when things like this happen.

 

04 October @ 11:27 pm

Long day

I am so tired. 

After Lex drove me home, dad worked my ass off. He made me do every single chore he could come up with today. He's not mad or anything, I think he's just taking advantage of my offer to do anything he wants. I had to draw the line at re-painting the house on the outside. Although, I probably could do it in a few minutes.

I have to make a confession. I took something from Lex's place. This is going to sound so stupid, but I took a bar of the soap that was in the guess bathroom. It smells so good, and I figure he won't miss it. He has lots of soap. I still have the boxers. I forgot to return them. I washed them earlier, along with my bed sheets, since mom and dad went out to dinner. They needed a night out with just the two of them so they went to the city.

I already finished my homework and shot some hoops. When that got boring I decided to run to the backfield. Now I'm just sitting in my room.

The night over at the mansion was kind of tense at first. I stuck my foot in my mouth. I felt so embarrassed I wanted to leave, but Lex just brushed it off. I think I really hurt his feelings. I'm kind of ashamed that I acted that way. It put a bit of a damper on the rest of the evening. I was so nervous so I thought I would tease him, but that totally backfired. I'll know better next time.

Lex let me have brownies. My mom won't let me since the chocolate makes me totally hyper. I'm having chocolate ice cream right now while my parents are away.

We just watched some TV and then went to sleep. I stayed in the same guest room as before. The next morning I joined him in his room, and we watched some TV and while we ate breakfast. It was really nice. He seemed in a good mood and he didn't bring up my major blunder from last night. I was relieved. (I asked him about girls, and why he doesn't have more over. Then later I asked him about sex. About when he first did it. He was kind of vague, but I think he did it for the first time when he was really young. Maybe even younger than I am now)

He drove me home in the red Ferrari again. I love that car. I'm still too afraid to ask him if I can drive it. 

~~~~

Very weird thing happened. I don't know how to take it. All I know is it's totally out of left field. Chloe stopped by this afternoon. She asked me why I was over at Lex's and asked if I have something more than friendship with him. I couldn't believe she would say that! I totally snapped at her, and she drove off mad as heck. I mean, she'd never ask me that if I stayed over at Whitney's house. 

Her question just seemed like it came out of left field. Why would she think this? Did she see something? I didn't do anything where anyone can see. At least I don't think so. I thought I was being surreptitious about my feelings for Lex.

I'm not handling this well. I need to back off or something. I need to figure out what the hell is happening. I feel tense and jumpy now. Must be the ice cream. I better go burn it off.

While I was at the mansion we played a game of pool. I almost beat Lex too, but I stopped the game. And I peaked at his legs. Yes I know I promised myself I wouldn't but I couldn't help it. I was too curious. They're hot and he was wearing purple boxers.

I am too jumpy now. I need to go somewhere really far away.

 

05 October @ 10:26 pm

I'm finally finished all the chores. You wouldn't believe how much there was to do. My dad took full advantage of the agreement we made. I didn't really care since it's hard for me to get tired. 

The chores are kind of boring so I won't go into detail. I also had to do the laundry since everything I owned was dirty or ripped. I'm not even going to go into how much laundry there was. It seemed like I was doing loads for hours. When I went over to Lex's the other night I had to dig deep in the back of my closet for old jeans that I'd only worn a few times since I hated how tight they were. Mom bought them for me a year ago, but they were the wrong size.

I still want to write here at least once a day. I really enjoy putting my thoughts down. It's also interesting seeing what other people think. So far I've gotten some great advice, and some of the comments have really given me a lot to think about. Lex is one of the things I think about almost constantly these days. I can't help it.

I'm beginning to realize that I have to be very aware around Lex. He keeps me on my toes and I like that. I can't ever remember being so stimulated by anybody as much as I am when I'm with him. I like that he makes me think.

Mom and dad are in bed now. We had a little talk. It was kind of strange. Dad seemed nervous and mom did most of the talking. They actually asked me if I've had sex yet. Why would they think that? I don't even have a girlfriend. Mom gave me a pack of Trojan condoms. I really like that my parents feel comfortable about these things, but it was weird taking the pack and promising my mom that I would be careful.

There are other reasons for them to be concerned. I'm not even human. I'm not even sure if I'll ever be able to have sex with someone. I'm grateful that they were so honest about it. Although they did remind me that I really should wait until I'm 16.

One day maybe it will happen and it will be with somebody I love and who loves me back. I know that might seem naive to some people, but it's just the way I feel. I could never just sleep with somebody for sex.

Guys talk about it in the locker room. I guess Lana didn't wait. I know that Whitney and his friends are all non-virgins. Anyway, one day I know it'll happen. I can wait. I told mom and dad that was exactly what I would do. When I figure out who the right person is, I'm so there. It's not like I'm totally clueless about these things. Maybe I should do some research.

I'm hungry again. I think I'll go eat and then maybe I'll do some on line research. Mom and dad even told me that if I have any questions I shouldn't hesitate to ask. I think I'll spare them some of the questions I wanted to ask. I don't know that my dad would be as understanding.

I can just see it. 'Mom how do I know if Lex wants to have sex with me?' Oh yeah, that would go over well. Dad would blow a gasket.

 

06 October @ 09:19 pm

Today I met a woman who can tell the future. 

All she has to do is touch you, and she can see things. She touched me and told me that somebody close to me would die soon. I immediately went home and checked on my parents. They were fine and they didn't believe me when I told them about Cassandra. It's true though. She touched Pete and told him he'd be walking home since he locked his keys in his car.

I decided to read to Cassandra for my community service. Every student at the school has to do some each year.

But something really unexpected happened. Chloe stopped by earlier. She wanted to talk about Lana. She told me her and Lana are getting closer, and they're interested in pursuing something more than friendship. I was surprised. I hadn't even realized Chloe liked her or even talked to her. She was always making fun of her.

She wanted to know if it was okay since she knew how much I liked Lana. What was I supposed to say? 'No you can't, I liked her first.' Besides, Lana doesn't like me like that.

I know I've been going on and on about Lex but it still really hurt to know that Lana doesn't feel that way about me. At least before when I thought I had a chance I could dream, but now Chloe told me Lana just likes me as a friend.

I wish I could go to Lex. I want to run to him every time something happens that I can't deal with. That scares me. I saw him earlier today since it was delivery day. He was driving like a maniac. I told him to be more careful, and he just pointed out that I would save him. When I told him about Cassandra he actually agreed with my mom and dad. I believe her but everyone else is skeptical. She told my friend he'd walk home and he had to. She was right. There has to be something there.

I want to go see her again. I mean I have to anyway, but I want to. She might be able to tell me things about myself. I just feel so confused. I need answers.

One of the residence from the home disappeared. It's really weird. He's this guy who murdered somebody a long time ago. It's kind of creepy. Lana is a little freaked over it. I guess she has Chloe to comfort her now.

I feel so out of it tonight. I was hoping Lex would be able to do something, but I'm not allowed to go out. Mom asked me to stay in, and I just don't feel right about leaving them alone after what Cassandra said. What if something happens to them?

I think I'll just call Lex.

@ 11:08 pm

The call

I called Lex. For some reason it felt weird. He was drinking again. I had no idea what to say, I felt like such a goof. At least I made him laugh with my stupid jokes. I also asked him out on a date. Well, sort of. I didn't say 'let's go on a date' I just asked if he'd like to go to a movie some time. So we're going to see one on Sunday. I'll have to remember to check what's playing.

I wanted to ask him about stuff, but wasn't sure how to bring up the subject of sex. I told him about mom and dad giving me condoms. It didn't really have the desired effect. Maybe I'll try something different next time. He did tell me a little bit more about how he used to use sex, and drugs to ward of teenage loneliness and confusion.

David called me a fag again. He's usually easy to ignore but he really went out of his way to bug me today. I told Lex about this. We talked about teasing which wasn't what I was hoping for again, but I had no idea how to ask if he though I was a fag, or maybe get him to tell me if he liked men that way. I wanted to. I mean I want to know a lot of things about what he's thinking. I'm just not good at bring up the topic. He told me he'd been teased too and he also told me how he used to deal with it. I wanted to know everything, but I didn't push.

He seemed kind of melancholy. I want to run to the castle, and hold him. I want to protect him from everybody: his father, my father, and the whole world.

I did that search on line last night, and found some decent web sites that talked about first times, and that kind of thing. One of my biggest fears is that I'll hurt the person I'm with. I think I'm going to do more research tonight. For now, I guess it will have to be my right hand.

I have to get to bed now anyway so I can get up early and do some chores dad wants done.

 

07 October @ 11:27 pm

I went to see Cassandra tonight. I needed to know. I wanted to know what the future holds for me. 

I wish I hadn't. 

I'm so tired. Every time I turn around, somebody is hurt by me. Everywhere I look, I see pain and suffering caused by me. She saw a vision of me in a graveyard surrounded by tombstones. The names of all my friends and families were on the stones. My father, my mother, Lana, Chloe, and Pete. 

I've been sitting here in the dark thinking about this. I was so freaked out at the time, and didn't realize it until a few hours later. The only tombstone that wasn't in the vision was Lex's.

I don't know why that was the case, but it has to mean something. I wish I could call him again. He mocked Cassandra when I told him about her. What would he say if I told him about this? Could this mean that he's the only person in my life now that will still be around in my future? I have even more questions than I had before. I need to know. Maybe I could convince him to go to her. Convince him to let her look into his future. What if I'm there in the vision she sees? 

The truth is I want him there. I want him to be a part of my future. He told me that he didn't want anything to stand in the way of our friendship. Does that include death? Was I meant to be on that bridge? Was I meant to save him? If that's true? Why?

I have so many questions to which I may never have answers.

School totally sucked. I spent the whole day avoiding Lana and Chloe. Pete even noticed I was acting weirder than usual. I can't tell him about all this. I mean the girl of my dreams likes the other girl in my life. I thought it would be easy, but every time I saw either one of them, I had to duck around the corner. Eventually I ran into Chloe. I knew I couldn't make it through the day without running into one of them. She'd been talking to Lana before she turned around, I nearly slammed right into her. Just thinking about our conversation makes my stomach hurt. I don't even want to talk about it here.

This is so confusing. I hate it! I wish I had somebody I could talk to about it.

 

08 October @ 11:45 pm

Well this just totally sucks! I just wrote up all these feelings, and this stupid program crashed. I am so angry right now.

On top of that Lex called me to his house in the middle of the night to show me that he still has the car from the crash. He told me why, but I still don't get it. Why can't he just be happy he's alive? I'm happy he's alive.

I told him he should just move on. I had to lie to him again. I'm too scared to tell him the truth. I'm scared he'll hate me. I'm scared of what my parents will do if I tell him. I owe my parents so much. If they hadn't found me in that field, I don't know what would have happened to me. For all I know, I could be in a lab somewhere, or worse, in jars. I can't tell Lex my secret because it isn't just my secret. My mom and dad have protected me for so long, I just can't do that to them. I know what they'll say if I ask them if I can tell Lex.

He had people look over the car. They told him there was no way the crash happened like I said. Why would he do that? I know he's the type of guy who needs to know things. He hates a mystery. Maybe I should stay away from him, but I can't. I'm drawn to him. I can admit that much. What does he want from me? My feelings for him are growing stronger.

I hope he believed me. Because if he didn't, then I don't know what I'll do. I feel hurt and kind of betrayed. I mean, it's his car, and I know he can do what he wants with it, but why does he have to keep it?

I also went to see Cassandra again. She told me that my destiny was to save people. Then she showed me some of the people that I would save. One of them was Zoe a waitress from the Beanery. I saved her. Chloe thinks it's Harry doing a time warp care of the meteor rocks. I just can't believe that the town hasn't gotten rid of them. They are so dangerous to humans.

It didn't help that I had to be around Chloe and Lana. We were too busy trying to figure out what was going on that we didn't really have any time to talk about other things, which suited me just fine. I'm not really anxious to talk about it any time soon.

The thing that worries me the most is Lex. I wish he would just let it be. I want to call him right now, but I can't. I have this fear that he'll call me a liar and hang up on me. It makes me think of those horrible dreams I was having.

 

09 October @ 09:38 pm

Mom just almost died! The killer turned out to be Harry from the old age home. I was so relieved when dad and I saved her that I didn't even care that Harry died in a rain of corn.

A few awkward moments with Chloe and Lana, but I think it's getting easier. It's Lana's birthday soon, and I really wanted to do something special for her. I don't know any more. I'll have to think about it.

I didn't get to see Lex at all today. I called, and his cell went straight to voice mail. The butler said he was out of town. I wonder where he is. I miss him. I want to hear his voice. I actually called his cell a few times just so I could hear his voice.

Chloe called earlier to check up on mom. We talked for a few minutes but I used the excuse that mom needed me to get off the phone. 

I think I'll call Lex again. His butler said he'd be home some time tonight. Maybe I'll go by the house and wait for him to get home. Is it stupid to miss him this much? Especially after the car incident. I know I should stay away before he starts asking more questions I can't answer.

I keep thinking about it. It's a moment in my life that I would never change; yet it's a moment in my life that has placed me front and center in the mind of a very powerful man. I'm terrified. I can't tell my mom and dad. I have to pretend like it isn't happening. I have to trust that Lex will put it aside just like I told them he had.

 

10 October @ 10:50 am

I went by last night to see if Lex was around. He wasn't, so I hung out near the house out of site. He returned really late, but I didn't bother him since he looked so tired. I wanted to go talk to him, but how was I going to explain why I was there.

I watched him through a window for a while. He looked so sad, almost like somebody had died. I ached to go to him. I think I'll go see him later today. Maybe he'll confide in me.

I'm supposed to be in class right now, but I ducked into the Torch Office. I'm still avoiding Chloe and Lana but I think I'll talk to them today. I know I'm being unfair.

@ 10:52 pm

I had the talk with Chloe. It was really awkward, and she seemed kind of out of it. When I asked her if she wanted to talk about what was wrong, she said no. I think I'll see if Pete has more luck. Lana and I ran into each other in the hall. It was kind of awkward. We ducked into the Torch Office for privacy. She was really nice about how weird I've been acting lately toward her. The worst part - it just made me like her more.

I stopped by to see Cassandra again. She had died. It may have been her death that she saw in the vision. When she told me somebody was going to die, I think it was her she was talking about. It totally freaked me out, but that's not the worst part. How can't it be the worst part you ask? Lex was there. He didn't see me. He looked so terrified. I had to follow him home.

I just got back from the mansion. It's not good. He kept going on about how I should stay away from him. How he's dangerous, and how he was the one who killed Cassandra. I tried to tell him that it wasn't his fault that she was really old. I mean ancient old.

When I first found him his hand was bleeding. He'd cut it, and even though he told me it was an accident I know it was deliberate. He cut himself. I'm not sure why. He said that Cassandra died because she saw his future. I think he cut the hand that touched her.

I kissed him again. Only this time I didn't back down or run. I held him close to me, and kissed him. It was terrifying. I was so scared, and then he pushed me away and told me we couldn't do that. I refused to let him push me away. He gave in and asked me to stay. I pulled him closer, and held him in my arms until he fell asleep.

I carried him up to his room and watched as he slept. It was the most calm and content I'd felt all month. He woke up briefly, but I urged him to go some sleep. He looked so exhausted.

Lex was better after he'd slept. I was so afraid he'd notice how excited I was to be so close to him, but either he was being very polite, or he was just too upset to notice. I slept in the same bed as him! I didn't actually intend to fall asleep, it just sort of happened. I was watching him sleep and before I knew it, I woke up from the nightmare. The nightmare was about the graveyard. There was no gravestone for Lex. I think it means something significant. I'm not sure what. When I woke up, I was still in the bed with Lex. I think I may have hurt him in my sleep.

We had a quiet dinner. I was sort of babbling about stupid stuff, but he seemed interested in what I had to say. That is one of thing I like about him; he takes me seriously. 

After we finished dinner he drove me home. I wanted so badly to just stay with him for the night, and make sure he didn't try to hurt himself again. I just know he cut his hand on purpose.

I wished I could have kissed him right there, but I know that is not a good idea. My dad has this bad habit of showing up at the worst times.

Lex seemed much better than when I found him. I hope he is. It hurt deep inside to see him fall apart. He's always so calm. I'm really looking forward to the Sunday movie date.

 

12 October @ 12:03 am

Sometimes I wish that the world was my home. But it isn't. No matter how much I want to be a human I'm not. I'm an alien. I don't belong here. I never will.

I play dress-up every day, and pretend like I belong. I have friends who think they know me, but they don't. I have parents who raised me, but they are never going to be my real parents. I will never know what my home world looks like.

And now, I think I can just take something from this planet.

Lex Luthor is not mine and he never will be. He thinks he knows me, but he never will.

He would hate me if he knew the truth. He would never let me touch him again if he knew the real me.

All my life I thought I could live with humans. I thought I could be one of them. I thought I could have what they have.

BUT I NEVER WILL!

Never. When I do what nobody else can, it reminds me that I am never going to be the same as the humans on this world.

I looked at the space ship again today. I kept thinking about why I'm here, and eventually I went down to look at it. It's just a big hunk of cold metal, but it protected me when I was out in space headed for my new home.

I wish I could open the space ship. If only I knew more about where I came from, and why I was sent to earth. Was it an accident? Is my home world even there anymore? Are my people out there searching for me? What do my real parents looks like? So many questions.

This home. Earth. Planet earth. I love this planet.

Invulnerability doesn't extend to my feelings.

I am so afraid of Lex finding out about my secret. I have to pull away from him. I don't have a choice. What else can I do? I know I like him a lot. I think I may be falling in love with him. I have never felt this way about anybody before, and I don't know what to do. It shouldn't be this strong. It shouldn't hurt this much.

I think I love him, but there is no way I can deal with the consequences of that.

 

13 October @ 12:29 am

I'm sitting here trying to figure out when I turned into an ass. I mean I was the one that asked Lex to go to a movie and then I turn around and cancel. I made up a lame excuse about my mom and dad not wanting me to go out on a school night. It was a complete lie. I asked my mom, and she said it was fine as long as I got home by eleven.

My mom and I talked about dating. She figured it was because of how I feel about Lana, so I didn't correct her. She told me she doesn't want me to get hurt. I guess that's what a mom is supposed to say. At first I asked her what she liked a guy to do on a date, so she told me with this big smile on her face. She seemed pretty excited about this new development. I wanted to ask how she would feel if I went out with a guy instead of a girl but I chickened out.

I called Lex. He was drunk. We talked and I confessed that I had lied earlier about why I couldn't go to the movies with him. He was polite about it but I could tell he didn't like that I lied. We talked for a while and I told him how I really feel about him. I got kind of confused while we were talking, but I think everything is going to be fine. I asked him to give me time. I really need it. I need to figure things out.

I told him I loved him. I actually said it out loud when he was awake and he heard me. I think I had a panic attack after I hung up the phone. What the hell am I doing? He's six years older than me. He's gorgeous, sophisticated, worldly and, not to mention, a guy!

I'm just a country hick. What does he see in me? Oh gosh, I think I will panic now.

@ 09:11 pm

Mmmmm I am eating pumpkin pie right now. I saw Lex today. He was so hot, but I controlled myself around him. I was a good boy. We just flirted, and he was so amazing. 

More later. I still have a ton of homework, and a ton of chores to do. Plus Pete is supposed to call. He's been going on and on about this really nice girl Jodie from school. She's so sweet and kind of shy. I saw the way he looked at her in class today. It was great to see him get all flustered when she walked by him. I'm so happy for my friend. When Lana passed us in the hall she smiled and said hello. Pete poked me in the ribs, and teased me. I just smiled and thought of Lex.

Off to clear some hay.

@ 11:18 pm

I'm blushing while I'm writing this.

Oh wow. I have to get this down so that I can be reminded of the day I came in my jeans with Lex right there beside me. It was so hot and amazing. He was so hot and amazing.

We played pool, and I didn't even care who was winning. He told me his dad had been to visit him yesterday. I was worried since his dad and him don't really get along.

I couldn't help myself. I had to hug him. Then one thing led to another, and before I knew it we were kissing. I couldn't stop it; he couldn't stop it. It was so hot and amazing. Lex is just so hot. He pushed me against the pool table, and I thought for sure he was going to lay me down on it, but instead we just made out like teenagers. I asked if this was okay, and he said yes. More like moaned yes. It was so hot, and I was so hard.

Before I knew what was happening I was coming in my pants. I was so embarrassed. But he was great about it. He didn't laugh at me. Or tease me. He held me and caressed my head. It was so nice to have him there. I've never been with someone before, you know, right after I've come. I've always been alone, since it was just I doing the touching.

I feel like I have this great big secret, which I guess I do, since we're the only one's who know.

He was hard too but he wouldn't let me take care of it. I was nervous so I kind of just followed his lead. I mean he knows way more about this stuff than I do.

After I left, I watched from a hiding spot as he sat down and pulled out his dick out of his pants. He was gorgeous, and I watched him stroked himself to climax. He came all over his shirt, and he moaned my name. It was such a turn on. I wanted to go back in, and help.

I am getting so turned on right now just writing this. I need to jerk off.

 

14 October @ 11:02 am

I still can't believe what happened with Lex. He told me that he would give me time to work through how I feel about him.

I know how I feel. My body has never truly reacted with way to anyone but him, but that isn't really what I need to think through. It's other things. Like how to deal with all of this. I know we'd have to hide it from everybody since I'm so young, and, plus, we're both guys. I checked out the laws. He'd be in so much trouble if we did anything beyond kissing.

@ 11:12 pm

I'm so confused. Today I helped Lana with homework, and while I was over Whitney showed up. They talked about a football tryout at Kansas State. They kissed.

I thought Lana was supposed to be dating Chloe? I don't get it. Why was she kissing Whitney? 

I'm going over to see Lex soon. I called and he wasn't home yet. It wasn't really that exciting a day. School was boring. Pete talked about Jodie non-stop, which is totally cool. It's nice to see him happy. I'm really happy for him.

 

15 October @ 05:21 pm

Last night was the best night. I went over to see Lex. He was in bed already since it was almost 11:30 pm. I kind of invited myself in. He didn't stop me so I took off my shoes and socks, and climbed into the bed with him. He wasn't wearing a shirt. In fact the only thing he had on were these gorgeous emerald green silk pajama bottoms. I pulled them down, and got to see him laid bare before me. 

I stroked his dick until he came all over his stomach. It was so sexy, and the biggest turn-on. Then, as he watched, I licked his come off my fingers. I think I totally shocked him. I was pleased that he let me do it to him. He looked so hot. I started to fall asleep.

I want to make him happy. I'm just afraid I won't live up to any of his other lovers. I love the idea of pinning Lex down and having my way with him. But at the same time, I love the idea of being overpowered by Lex. He's always so in control, I'd love for him to pin me down, and do things to me. I'm going to have to do some more research to figure out what two guys do in bed together. So far I've mostly just done some basic Internet searches on how to handle your first time. Any time I start to read about gay sex, I get flustered and hit backspace. I have to get over that and read about gay first times.

 

16 October @ 01:19 am

I'm escorting Lana to her birthday party. She stopped by to drop off a produce order, and since she told me Whitney wouldn't be there I kind of blurted out that I would take her. My mom was standing right there. I figure if she sees me ask Lana out, there is no way she will think I am into Lex. Plus I figure Lana isn't ready for the town to know about her and Chloe.

Lana said yes, so I guess she doesn't totally hate the idea. I promised I would make it this time, since I have such a lousy track record with her. I ran after Lana after she left our place to let her know why I did it. She seemed cool with that.

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lex stopped by a while ago. He just wanted to say he was sorry he missed me earlier in the day when I dropped off his produce. He left me a note. I have it in my back pocket.

I told him about Lana. He was upset. When I explained why I was going with her, he seemed to understand.

I guess this means I'm dating him now. I mean he pretty much asked me to be only with him didn't he? It seems like it. When he kissed me the first thing he said afterwards was that I couldn't get that anywhere else. He's right. Plus, his kiss is so awesome. It was kind of a possessive kiss too. A total turn-on.

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would use more exclamation points but that would be a boring post.

My mom interrupted us while we were up in my loft. She didn't see anything that shouldn't be happening. She just yelled up to us from below. I knew she would come out to check on me because Lex was there. She always does that. My parents do this thing. Whenever I'm alone with somebody up in my fortress loft, my mom comes out first to check up on me. If we don't leave in five minutes then my dad comes out. Parents are so devious. I was glad she didn't come up. It would have been hard to explain why I was kissing Lex.

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@ 08:23 pm

I am the reason Lex is bald! Why does this keep happening to me? Today when he came by the Torch office he confided in me about how he lost his hair. I've been waiting for so long to know what the story behind his most distinct feature is. To find out that I'm to blame hurts. He claimed it was fine since he thinks if it hadn't happened he wouldn't be who he is today. What can I say to that? I hate this so much. If only I hadn't fallen here. If only people didn't keep getting hurt by my arrival.

@ 09:52 pm

My life is a big teen drama

So, I have this talk to Chloe about Lana, and why I asked Lana to her party. She seemed cool with it. We were on our way to animal control to investigate a dead deer that she thinks Jody hit. Pete's Jody. The body of the deer was totally gross. Sometimes I think Chloe has the lamest theories and sometimes I think she's just brilliant.

I'm worried about her finding out about Lex and me. I don't want anybody to know. He's older than me, and if anybody knew, it might get him in trouble. I would never do that to him. I need to think on this. I know we need to be very discrete.

Lex stopped by the school today. At first I thought he was just there to see me. But he was there to meet Chloe. I wonder if he was checking up on me. He even commented on me escorting Lana to her party. I reminded him that Lana and I are just friends. I think he was putting on a show for Chloe's sake. She totally gave me this ice look after he left. I explained to her that Lex understands I'm only Lana's friend. I don't think she bought it.

Anyway, I did talk to Lana briefly in the hopes that she would give me an idea of what she wants for her birthday. She told me about her best birthday ever.

Tonight when I was over delivering the produce for the party, Lex and I talked. He was the one who came up with the idea of what I should do for Lana on her birthday. I was amazed that he even helped me out considering. Of course right after he told me what I should get Lana he pinned me to the sofa, and kiss me until my lips tingled. Just writing about it here makes me hard.

@ 10:06 pm

I'm not human and she doesn't know it. I know she doesn't know it, but to have her say 'it's what makes you human.' God Nothing makes me human. Nothing ever will. I look like them; I act like them but maybe that's because they raised me.

I wish Lex were here.

 

17 October @ 03:26 pm

Lana's birthday party is tonight. I have everything set up for her gift. I hope she likes it. I'm excited about this. I really want to keep my promise to be there for her. She just seems too anti-birthday. I would give anything to be able to have a real birthday. I don't know when I was born. I don't even know Lex's birthday. I should ask.

@ 09:47 pm

Somebody else was hurt because of the meteor rocks. I am so sick of this. These people never asked for this, and yet Jody is now in a hospital because of what the rocks did to her. I feel so sorry for her, but most of all I feel bad for my best friend Pete. He was falling in love with her. I could tell by the way he talked about her, and by the way he stared at her.

When is this going to end? My dad and mom can say it all they want. I feel like I have to help these people since the meteors came here because of me. When my dad tells me I shouldn't feel responsible, how can I not? If I had never come here, this never would have happened.

@ 09:51 pm

I let Lana down again. I couldn't allow my best friend to be killed so I went to save him right when I was supposed to be going to the party to be Lana's date. I saved Pete's life but I wish I could explain to Lana.

On top of all that, it turned out that Jody has this horrible illness. Pete is devastated. He looked so upset when the doctor told him about her condition, I just couldn't leave him there alone. I'm saddened by what happened. She only wanted to be thin because she thought it would make people like her more. The stupid thing is, Pete liked her just the way she was. She's such a nice girl. I know she didn't want to be different. Nobody ever does.

After I left him there with her, I went home. I tried to salvage my broken promise by going over to Lana's house. I brought a projector that Lex loaned me over to Lana's place and we watched cartoons on the back of my parent's truck.

I'm going to return the projector tomorrow when I go over for our date. I really need to be with Lex, and explain why I wasn't there for her. I'm just so afraid he'll think that I'll make it a habit, and one day I won't be there for him. I would do anything to make sure that never happens. I just hate that I broke yet another promise to Lana.

 

20 October @ 12:12 am

I had so many chores to do today; I thought I was going to collapse. I think dad saved them all until Sunday since he knew I would have the day to do them. I really like helping my dad. I mean, he's not as strong as I am, but does he have to work me like a slave.

First of all, I have to say that if it wasn't for the support and encouragement of online friends I never would have had the courage to pursue things the way I have with Lex.

I had a cool weekend. Lex and I went to see a movie on Saturday. He let me drive! I was so excited. It was the coolest thing ever. I drove his Ferrari.

We saw a revival of an old black and white movie The Big Sleep. It was really cool. Lex was cool. It was nice and relaxing.

After the movie he let me drive home. It was a nice night. I had a great time and I haven't felt so relaxed with anybody in such a long time.

I don't have time to get into details, but I'll write more later.

@ 04:09 pm

Walking on cloud nine.

I am so ecstatic today. 

I just have to think about the weekend, how much fun I had, and everything is perfect. 

After the movie, Lex and I went back to the castle, with me at the wheel of the Ferrari. We played a game of pool, and talked about dating. When I asked if we were exclusive, he said YES! I need to calm down or I might break the keyboard because of how fast I'm typing this. Lex said that he doesn't like to use the word dating, but it's still the same thing even if he doesn't call it that.

It got kind of hot at the pool table so we took it upstairs. I had to sleep in my boxers and t-shirt since I didn't have any pajamas with me. He didn't seem to mind.

I'm kind of embarrassed since I hadn't done anything for a few days. When we fooled around, it was over before it really started, at least for me. Lex on the other hand needed more time. I told him how I felt right after I help jerk him off. I told him that I love him. I just couldn't help myself. He didn't say it back but we agreed that he would say ditto after I said the words.

I know this seems fast, but we didn't do anything else. After that, we fell asleep in each other's arms. It was amazing.

We woke up together. I think he was already awake, and he might have been watching me sleep. I hope I didn't drool or snore too loud or something just as stupid. At least I didn't float like I do sometimes. That would have been hard to explain.

This morning mom told me she's going to be at the Friday Halloween dance. I know that its not a kids-only thing, its a fundraiser and everyone will be there but still, I'm already groaning about this. I mean, mom at the dance; that just cramps what little style I have.

I'm going with Pete in a few hours to see Jody. She's in bad shape. I feel bad for Pete. I can see in his eyes how much he cares about her. I just wish things had turned out better for them.

@ 10:31 pm

I went to see Jody with Pete. She woke up just as we were about to leave. Pete stayed behind to be with her. I'm so glad she's awake. She looked pale but better.

When I went to drop the produce off at the castle, I talked briefly to Lex. It hurt so much to see Jody so I couldn't help but feel down about it. He asked and I told him what was wrong though I couldn't tell him the whole truth, and then he offered to make sure she gets the best care. I didn't even ask him, but he just offered.

We kissed. It was cool to be able to just kiss him, and hold him. He held me too. I have to admit I like it when he touches my hair. It makes me feel safe. I would never admit that to anybody. He is so warm and soft. I know a guy shouldn't be described as soft, but he really is. At the same time, I like how it feels, his strong arms holding me.

I have to figure out what costume to wear for Halloween. Lex said he isn't dressing up. Too bad, I would have liked to see what he would wear. Speaking of, he looked so nice today. He was wearing this real nice sweater, and these perfect fitted pants. He looked hot.

I have to go. I have a lot of homework to do.

 

21 October @ 06:41 pm

I have to move to a new town. We all decided we'd do a Wizard of Oz theme for the Halloween party. I swear, if they ask me to dress as the scarecrow, I will kill them! Pete and I are picking up our costumes in a few days. He said he wants to be the cowardly lion because that's his favorite character from the movie. 

My mom thinks it's cute, with us living in Kansas and all. I just went along because I have no idea what to be. Oh well, I could always go as Toto. That would be almost funny.

Pete said he was going to visit Jody again tonight. I think those two are headed for dating status, which would be so cool. It would be even cooler if she were better by Friday so they could go to the dance together.

I wanted to tell Pete about Lex's offer to help Jody. Instead, I'm going to wait until I know for sure what's happening before I get his hopes up.

Today when Pete and I went to the newspaper office the door was locked. It was a few minutes before Chloe answered it. Lana was there with her. I'm not that naive. I know what they were doing, and it wasn't the story they gave. Pete seemed to believe it though he seemed somewhat confused as to why they would need to lock the door to write a story, he didn't question Chloe.

I have so much homework again tonight. The workload seems to be increasing. I think the teachers get a thrill out of it.

 

22 October @ 12:20 am

Thoughts on life.

It's hard for me sometimes. I'm so different, but I look so much like them. Most of the time I don't even think about it, but sometimes when I'm sitting in my fortress alone, looking up at the stars through my telescope, I can't help but think about it.

When my dad told me I was from outer space, he gave me this thing, this tablet. I'm not sure what it's for. I held it for a while tonight. It's weird to know that the tablet and my ship are from my home world. I consider here my home. I've never known any other place, and yet there is a world out there somewhere that I came from, a world where I was born.

I was three years old when I landed, or at least that's what my mom and dad think. I could be three hundred for all I know. That would suck.

I've also been thinking about Lex a lot. He's become such an important part of my life. I'm terrified he'll find out about me, but at the same time, I want to tell him.

I watch him move whenever he's near me. He's so confident, and comfortable with him body. I wish I could be like that. I wish I could be comfortable with who I am.

It doesn't matter. I know I can't tell him. Dad would freak out, and probably do something drastic. Sometimes I think dad just wants to hide me away from the rest of the world and never let me out into it. I wonder what he would think if I told him that I don't want to be a farmer like him. I want more.

@ 08:21 pm

Where do I go from here?

I'm so shocked right now; I just don't know what to think. Yesterday Jody went missing. When I say missing, I mean she's gone. Pete went to visit her last night only to discover that the hospital had discharged her. They wouldn't say where she went just that she went to another facility.

I just found out a few hours ago that Lex's father owns the facility Jody was transferred to. Pete and I found out about it earlier today. When we found out Pete took off. He was angry beyond words.

On top of that, Lana stopped me in the hall to tell me she would be there for me if I needed somebody who understood what I was going through. What could I do? I thanked her and told her if she needed somebody to listen, I would be there for her. I think she suspects something about Lex and me. She wouldn't understand though. I have no idea what I'm going through, and I didn't want to say this to her, but there is no way she would understand. If what Lex and I have done so far was to become public, even by accident, he could go to jail!

There is no way I am betraying him that way, I don't care how close I am to Lana or anybody else in my life. If I haven't told Pete, my best friend since I was four, I wouldn't tell anybody else.

I know they entrusted me with their secret, but it doesn't mean I have to give them mine does it. 

Chloe was the one who helped us track down where Jody was taken. Sure enough, it's some company owned by Mr. Rich, and it's in Metropolis.

I had to stop Pete before he did something crazy. I offered to help him get Jody back no matter who was involved. The drive into town was strained. We didn't say much. When we arrived at the building, we parked a few blocks away and, after a little trickiness on my part, we managed to sneak into the heavily guarded facility. We stole some uniforms, and managed to blend in until we reached the room where they had Jody.

The security guards almost caught us because Pete was so busy freaking when he saw what they had done to her. It was terrible, and I hated seeing it, but I hated the idea of going to jail more. So I pushed Pete out of there and we ran as fast as we could. When it looked bad, I distracted the guards while Pete made it back to the car.

The drive home was worse. Pete was so upset I had to drive, and I'm not technically licensed to drive, but what other choice did I have. We made it home safe. I left Pete at his place, and made him promise not to do anything crazy, and then I ran home from there.

I'm staring at a fax that Chloe uncovered that shows Lex knew Jody was taken, and did nothing about it.

I called him yesterday and asked if he'd found out anything about Jody yet. I know he was the one who offered to help, but he lied to me. He told me he was still looking into it. How could I have done this? I pointed her out to Lex, and now Jody is in a lab being experimented on, just because she's different. I don't know what to think.

I'm going over to see Lex about this. He'll have to tell me the truth when I show him the evidence. I have to confront him about his part in all this. I need to know why he didn't tell me about Jody being taken to that lab. He has to help me get her out of there.

@ 10:19 pm

This day couldn't get any worse.

I went over to confront Lex. I say confront because that is what I ended up doing, even though it wasn't what I set out to do. I couldn't help it. By the time I reached the mansion, I was so angry. I just couldn't believe he would do this to me.

He didn't deny that he knew about Jody. He was concerned, and didn't want to worry me until he had more information. I'm not sure if that is the truth but it rang true when he said it.

I calmed down (with the condemning fax in hand), and then I noticed Lex had a guest. I hated him on the spot. He's tall, dark-haired, and gorgeous. I didn't like the way he insinuated there was more to his relationship with Lex than met the eye.

After the jerk left the room, I couldn't help myself; I grabbed Lex, and kissed him hard enough to remind him that I'm his boyfriend. When I asked Lex how he knew Bruce Wayne, he admitted they'd once been intimate in the past. That made me so angry. I don't know why, but I wanted to go up there, and punch Mr. Wayne out. It was irrational and completely uncalled for, but there it is. 

I guess I'm the jealous type.

Half an hour after I got home, Chloe showed up. She pressed me to reveal what my real relationship with Lex is. I just couldn't do it. She was so upset, I felt bad because I had no idea what to say. She wants somebody to confide in about her relationship with Lana. She said she hoped that I would be honest with her since she was honest with me. She just doesn't get that it isn't about her at all. I would do anything to protect Lex. Anything. He warned me. He hinted that others would frown on what we're doing.

Chloe has a problem with not being able to show everybody around her how she feels about Lana. She wants to be able to hold her hand in public, but I don't feel the same way. It's exhilarating what Lex and I have. This is one secret that I feel exhilarated about. It's exciting. It's nothing like the other secrets I have. Those ones terrify me.

So I can't really relate to her. I love lying in Lex's bed, with the knowledge that only we know what is happening between us. I love kissing him in private. We still flirt in public all the time. I'm not as good at it as he is, but I'm learning and it's fun.

I am happy for now the way things are. I told Chloe I would be there for her, but I really don't know what else to say. I also told her they could hold hands in front of me.

 

23 October @ 10:02 pm

So I picked up my costume for the Halloween party. The one Pete wanted didn't fit him. In fact, it only fit me. I'll be dressed as the cowardly lion. Pete got the tin man. School totally sucked. My mind kept going to that friend Lex has visiting. I want to stop by just to say hi, but at the same time, he hasn't called me so maybe he doesn't want me around.

His friend was so hostile last night. I'm not sure why. I guess it's that Lex isn't his anymore. Maybe I should stop by. Unfortunately, I can't even come up with a good enough reason, not that I needed one before. Still, I don't want Lex to get angry with me. I'm sure he didn't appreciate how I just barged in yesterday.

I can't concentrate. I have to go over and see Lex. 

I hope Mr. Wayne isn't staying for the party. That would totally suck.

 

24 October @ 12:58 am

I have never hated anybody ever before in my life until I met Bruce Wayne. He is pompous, annoying, and a bastard.

I wish I had some kind of laser vision so I could burn a hole in his favorite thing.

I just got off the phone. I wanted to talk to Lex but Mr. Wayne answered the call. Who the heck does he think he is? I want to go over there right now, and force him to leave!

I'm glad I could get that off my chest. Now I have to go to bed.

 

25 October @ 12:20 am

The party was over before it started.

I hate dressing up. The costume itched, and I looked like an idiot. Everybody else thought it was great. I thought I looked like a big stuffed toy. I just wanted to be home as fast as possible. I stood in a corner most of the night listening to Chloe snark on all the costumes. It must have been so hard for her. Lana was there with her boyfriend.

I wished I could help Chloe through this, but I had no idea what to say. This was the thing she hates the most. 

At least there was pumpkin pie.

Anyway, I am so tired. I need to take care of some personal business.

@ 12:33 am

Lions don't always roar.

I feel so much better now that I've jerked off. It was torture making out with Lex in my history class, but not being able to come.

I feel so horny tonight. The party sucked so I tried to escape by going to one of the classrooms. Fortunately, Lex found me. I was so happy to see him. We made out on a desk. I think it was the one Chloe sits in. At one point, I stripped out of the costume. The shocked look on Lex's face was worth it. I wish I'd gone naked underneath it, but I never would. I'm not that brave.

I guess I picked the right costume after all. Lex didn't wear a costume. He wore a suit that I wanted to strip off him. The more I see him, the more I want - more. I know I'm jealous of Bruce because he's been with Lex in a way that I have yet to experience. I wanted to let Lex have his way with me. I know he won't, but I'm so afraid that my inexperience will lead to Lex seeking satisfaction elsewhere.

Bruce and he have already been there. And I have no idea what there is. I almost told Lex he could tonight. I was only in my t-shirt and boxers and we were alone. I don't know what to do, but I know Lex could show me. I mean I've touched his cock. I want to do other things with him. I read some stories on line where guys do things to other guys. I think I'm ready to take that step.

Maybe I need to rent some gay porn. I wonder if Lex has some. That seems forward to ask though. I think I'll just find stuff on line.

@ 09:57 pm

I'm so bored. My mom and dad went to Whitney's parent's anniversary party. I wasn't invited. Whitney still doesn't like me. He gives me these looks every time I look his way. Maybe he wants me. That would be funny. He is kind of cute.

I want to go see Lex right now! I am tired of that jerk being there. I have no idea what rich guys do together all day in a castle, but I don't want Bruce to do anything with Lex. I know Lex would never cheat, but I don't know Bruce.

I am going over right now!

 

26 October @ 12:33 am

I just got back from seeing Lex. I feel like I can't do anything right. He should just forget about me. I am so angry with myself. I mean, he spent the whole day dealing with the Jody thing. They got her out and she's on her way to a private hospital in another city. Bruce helped. I didn't even thank them.

The visit went horribly. I shouldn't have gone over when he was still there. Nothing went right. I tried to be all flirting and stuff, but I just couldn't do it right. I was the one that suggested we go for a swim, but when push came to shove I freaked.

I suck at this so much. Maybe I am in way over my head.

I told Lex I thought that if I gave him something more, he wouldn't want anybody else. I don't get it. I don't understand why he wants me. I am so confused. Lex told me to cool off and not to worry.

It was too much too soon. I think I'm going to go for a run.

 

27 October @ 10:29 am

I am so tired this morning. Yesterday was such a hard day. I woke up early and did a million chores to get my mind off the last few days. I kept going back to how I behaved with Lex. It wasn't the best reaction to the situation, but I can't help how I felt. I don't know where it came from; I don't know why I did it. I have never felt this way about anybody.

My mom spent most of the morning baking so I helped her. I almost opened my mouth to ask for advice about Lex a million times. But what was I supposed to say? I guess I could have just faked that it was about Lana, but I was just too afraid I would slip up and blurt out Lex's name. Then where would I be?

Mom knew something was off and she did ask if I was all right. She tried to get me to talk, but I just told her other stuff, like the fact that Lex helped me with Jody and then didn't even tell me about it. I did mention Mr. Wayne but only by his first name. She just commented that it was nice to see that Lex had other friends. I had nothing to say to that.

I couldn't take it any longer so I took one of the pumpkin pies, and told mom I was off to spend some time over at the castle. She just told me to be home by 11 since I had school tomorrow.

I walked over to the mansion. When I got there, Lex was in the gym working out. It looked like he was working off some frustration. I guess that was my fault.

He didn't hear me come in since he was listening to music with headphones on. He looked so good all sweaty and hot. When I inhaled, I could smell him, and it was so sexy. He smelled primal. I was half-hard by the time he noticed me. Good thing I had my long flannel shirt buttoned up. It covered any evidence.

We went and sat down to talk. Lex was still all sweaty. It was driving me nuts, but I managed to stay calm enough. I didn't even know where to start. I wasn't sure why I had done what I did. I know it had to do with Bruce. He was so intimidating and so good looking and experience that even when Lex was telling me how much he cares about me, a voice in the back of my head was telling me it was only a matter of time before Lex got bored with me. I don't even know why I felt that way. He's proven repeatedly how he feels.

I guess I was carried away with the idea that somebody found me attractive. I've felt like such a freak my whole life; it's hard for that to go away overnight. I feel at a loss when he tells me how attractive he thinks I am. I've never had anyone tell me this before.

We conversation made me uncomfortable. I just didn't know the right words. I was so nervous that he would tell me to get out and never come back, but he didn't. I wanted to hold him the whole time we talked, but his body language told me to back off.

We agreed that we should slow down, and that I should be the one to pace things. I know what I want, and I shouldn't let anybody turn me away from that. Not even myself.

I love Lex and I know now that he will be there, and he won't just end things with me because I don't have the experience.

I was so relieved when we finally kissed. The kiss made my heart pound. It was the first time where I kissed him and it felt like something more than sexual. It felt emotional and spiritual and so many other things I don't even know how to describe. The only thing I can say is that it wasn't just passion this time; it was something more.

This has become something more for me. Looking at Lex, after we talked, I feel different. For a minute, I could believe that he did want me. I saw it in his eyes and that makes me feel different. I think it's because I'm feeling this way about him that the thought of him with someone else drove me to behave in this manner.

This totally sucks, and it's not coming out right at all. I don't know how to say what I feel. It just is and maybe I need to think on it more.

@ 10:52 pm

I just don't know what to do. I thought I could trust him, but then I find out that while that jerk was staying at the castle he kissed Lex! I found out by accident. If I'd never stumbled on that email, Lex never would have told me about the kiss. It is was just a kiss then why did he feel the need to lie.

Lex said he was trying to spare my feelings. Right! How was that supposed to spare my feelings? And Bruce was so smug, saying that I wouldn't understand. Of course I wouldn't! What's to understand about that self-righteous jerk throwing himself at MY boyfriend when he knew about me!

I have the horrible feeling that Lex slept with Bruce. That e-mail implied more than Lex was telling. Lex says nothing happened beyond the kiss but he's already lied before. How am I supposed to believe him?

I'm so upset right now; I smashed a hole in the side of the barn when I got back.

He touched him, and Lex let him stay there.

I can't do this. I'm going to hit something very hard - right now.

 

28 October @ 02:01 pm

I've had time, and a few broken things, since I stormed out of the castle. I feel like a complete idiot. I should have believed Lex. Bruce is not the one I should believe. I know that, but what do I do? I can't expect Lex to just say 'it's fine come on back to me.' I would throw me out on my ass if I were in his shoes especially after what I pulled.

What do I do? Please help me. I need to figure out how to fix this, and I don't have anybody I can go to. I have no one in my life that I can confide in. Even if I can just get his friendship back that would be better than feeling like I just hollowed out my chest.

 

29 October @ 09:03 pm

Nothing resolved and nowhere to go.

I guess I have somebody to confide in now. I didn't mean for it to happen but I wasn't sure why I told her. I guess she just made me feel like I could confide. She didn't push, and she wasn't shocked.

Maybe I do look gay; whatever that means.

I'm too afraid to go over to the mansion. I went by to drop off the produce but Lex wasn't around so I left as soon as I heard he was in a meeting. He's busy so I guess I'll just wait until I run into him or something. I know nothing will be resolved this way, but this is the only way I know how to deal. All my life, whenever my dad and I have fought we just avoid each other until one of us talks to the other. It's so much easier that way, but I know I won't be able to get away with that when it comes to Lex. He's not my dad and I can't handle him that way.

School was weird today. It felt like everybody was staring at me when I walked by. I know I was just being paranoid, but sometimes I feel freakier than usual.

After class, I went to the coffee shop in the hopes that Lex would be there, but he wasn't. I feel like a big idiot more and more each day.

When I think about the wording of the e-mail I saw, I realize I shouldn't have jumped to the stupid conclusions I jumped to. The part that got to me the most was

Things will be as they were, as if it never happened, and we can forget. That is my wish. Also, I dare suggest that Clark does not have to know.

It just makes me sad to know that if I'd never accidentally read this; I never would have known what had happened. I know I have my secrets, but they aren't secrets about lovers and they would never affect this part of our relationship.

Okay, maybe I'm not as over it as I thought. I need to see if I can call him tonight, or I should just go over there. Mom has been bugging me lately. I don't think she suspects but she keeps giving me these looks, which totally creeps me out since moms seem to know everything.

 

30 October å@ 01:15 am

Well, it worked. I groveled. 

I went over there unsure of what I was going to do or say. It was hard, the hardest thing I have ever done. We talked for a bit, and then when I just couldn't find the right words, I got on my hands and knees and crawled to him. I crawled into his lap and begged him to tell me what I needed to do to make things right. At that point, I would have done anything.

We know we haven't solved the problem, but it felt so good to just hold him, and be close to him. He smelled like home. I'm tired now. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow. All I know right now is, he's talking to me again, and I just spent the night on my knees.

At least the stress is gone.

@ 10:56 pm

Yesterday when I went over, Lex was asleep on the sofa. I woke him. He was glad to see me, but at the same time not thrilled. I guess that goes without saying.

We talked and I just didn't know what to say. I couldn't find the right words. I tried, I really did. And then he told me he loves me. He said the words. The ones he told me are hard to get out. When I said them back, he told me he didn't believe me. That really hurt, but I understood why.

When I crawled into his lap, it felt so good; so right. I wanted to be closer to him. I needed to be closer, and I have to admit, I was so glad when he said he didn't want to talk about it anymore right then. 

I also told him I didn't want to share him with anybody at all.

And now, for the bad news. I saw Lex today. He told me Bruce and he will be meeting a lot in the next few weeks for business. Lex's father arranged the meetings. I was cool about it. I didn't freak. I told Lex I understood and then we kissed.

But the truth is - I hate the thought of Lex meeting with Bruce for any reason. Why does he have to do this? I mean, I know why he has to do it, but still. Lex told me he wanted me to know right away so there would be no misunderstandings. I get that. I don't have to like it, but for Lex, I will show him that I have faith in him. I will be mature.


End file.
